I  have to submit tomorrow our “ultimate” yearly requirement for promotion – the retrospective paper. I am however only half way doing my results and discussion part and only a small part of me is panicking… and it’s almost midnight … and I’m having my last duty at the puso center tomorrow… and I cannot be late (I planned to but then the consultant strictly comes at 7 and I don’t want  “the” attention). I am about to call this a career suicide except I won’t die from this. Not finishing this would only prolong my career life as a form of punishment – just like a poorly planned real life suicide of jumping from the 3rd floor, or  slashing your wrist only up to the dermal layer. If only quitting is that easy.

This, ladies and gentlemen is just a part of what’s going on in my head right now I just need to get it out. I’m doing my paper now.


Day 3

I am on day 3 of my outside rotation.  First two days were awesome and it genuinely felt like FREEDOM. With what’s happenin in the office + monotony of everything residency wise, it’s nice to get away even if it meant getting away only to work in another institution doing the same things with different people and bosses. 

However, you wake up with haunting messages like “No, the boss did not agree to move the research paper submission”, “Your audit will be next week”. And you are reminded – those in your homebase are given privilege for a day-off during their preduty in preparation for the inservice exam – while you, since you’re outside is not given that same chance. What’s worse? You sign in at 7 am and is allowed to go home after their endorsement which usually ends at 7pm.  I might be nearer to my area but the time I reach home is not at all earlier than before.  Nakakaiyak. I’ve been in bad mood since last night and maybe allowing myself to whine and have self pity just this time would do something.  

(Haha!) Nothing will change honey. You’re still miserable and lonely – it won’t change. – The voice in my head says.//

I kill time here in McDo with my 16oz Frozen Cola for breakfast. I could have read my notes but, I feel lazy. I’ll try to go early to work today.

Cheer me out Joy. Wake up. 

Unintentionally joined the bandwagon


I had a huge dilemma before on how on earth will I be able to play with my little man when as I kid I was solitary and if ever, I only played with “girly” toys (… and might be geeky but there was a time when I spend total of 4 hours on weekdays and about 8 hours a day on holidays playing the piano).  What would we do? I would bore him. I wouldn’t be able to awaken his potentials.

This was proven unfounded through the years. It was pretty fun, simple, fuzz-free actually. When he was still starting to talk and explore his environment, it was all about sensory stimulation. Toys were universal, unisex. As long as it has bright colors and different textures, makes weird sounds, produces beautiful melodies and can easily be thrown, likes it.

We started toy cars early but even at a young age, his love for the alphabet and phonemes have shown already. Give him cars and he shapes the cars into letters. We used Ipad early but he memorized letter sounds because of that and so as the different arrangements for the alphabet song.

I got bored with cars but then he started to become interested with city structures. We buy ready made structures (thank you Tomica, Disney Pixar, Hotwheels ) and die cast cars but the process of developing our town got me interested.  I initially showed him we could make our own building and road and then he started requesting – Nanay could you make an SM Iloilo…. a building like our condo in Bacolod… a 7-11 just like what we saw a while ago…. a no jaywalking sign…. a no U-turn sign… the requests goes on and on..  I like it because somehow it brings out his creativity and from that I know he is quite observant.

We also got into watercolor painting at some point. I am not trained with visual art and I don’t have eye-hand coordination with it but we did it together as well anyway. The little man may have not known the technicalities about it but eventually he understood he can mix colors to make another color (Nanay I made color brown!, once he proudly said). He also learned to control his brush strokes – he do not soak the paper anymore and he can follow borders even while using small diameter brush.

Right now, adult coloring books are the in thing. We do that together too! At first I bought him activity and coloring books but once I saw an adult coloring book and decided to get one for myself.  We are now at the stage of parallel play. We do things together while minding our own business.  This holds true with coloring book. Nanay color tayo. He brings me my adult book and he gets his book. He gets my colored pencils and he gets his Crayola.  Nanay share tayo. Can I borrow your colored pencils?  Let’s share our colors. Tapos ka na ba? Malapit na ako matapos… 

Oh well, I only had time to “color” during my vacation leave. As of the moment, when I go home early, I blog, I would rather sleep or do something work related (I come home to a sleeping little man these past few weeks so it’s sadness).

Speaking of sleeping, he also have this understanding of my work status. At times, I ask his permission so that I can sleep in the afternoon when I go home during weekends ( I am from duty). He says, I will sleep in the playroom while he plays with his cars.  Makes me happy.

My guys talks non-stop when he’s in the mood. I try to keep up. I love it. I find joy in it. I find myself wishing for him not to grow up yet. It’s hard to let go of my lovable baby.  He WANTS TO grow up he says.  Malaki na ko Nanay. Matanda na ako. May anak na ako – si Pinggoy, ako si Tatay Miguel (he has a stuff toy we sometime bring with us when we go out).  Gusto ko rin ng senior citizen card (Dad, just got his recently, and is enjoying the perks)…

Very very spontaneous. Thank you.  I have many kuwento except it’s all Nanay kuwento and they are little things that only the little man can relate too.

Someday day, hija. There’s still hope, one day someone will listen and be interested again. 


Just this morning, I had this dream, I was sleeping naked in my room.  I woke up all of a sudden noting my parents were on the other bed, not caring at all that I am not wearing anything and what’s worse was there were a bunch of other people who were around as well just going in and out of the room.


– – –

Of course I looked it up… I think in my case, my dream means

  1. I am feeling naked by this kind of blogging again.  You see, I didn’t intend to just write out everything.  At my age, I think writing should be more purposeful in the sense that I will be sharing something worth sharing, something worth looking back.  But then, look. I open my laptop and open this blank space and before I call it a night, I do some verbal release before I retire. I’m in (almost desperate) need of outlet right now.  And my soul is still getting reacquainted to the feeling.
  2. Of pending reports and projects.  I am way far from finishing it and submission is in 3 weeks time. Hooray. Shameful me.
  3.  Hiding. Yes I am great in hiding. But I am sure I am not doing it for myself.  I suffer a little but I think that’s o.k. I guess.


This problem at the office, I feel, is all about attitude.  Alpha personality, superiority complex, being self righteous – lack of communication, acceptance – understanding.

Honestly, they say I am one of the weaker ones. I am one of the passive ones. But if you know me, you would know I am an emotional sponge.  It is your problem but it burdens me.  I try to be alright with everybody but with that comes an effort to look beyond the cold war going on.

Tama na.