I can’t think of a better title for this one. Cutting all the crap, I am back here because I have no one to talk to again – someone I can chat with would be more appropriate. Small talks. Those mundane things. Rants. Unimportant things that need to be told to others. Those “why do I care” type of talks. You get the point. Oh, and I am here because “uy andaming time”. Yup, I do.


Yup, unemployed for now. Well, I do have 2-day work week for now, and processing my bigger hospital “gig”. But I am still waiting for better work opportunities for the remaining days of the week. I firmly believe I can achieve this certain “synchronicity” in my line of work. I mean this that my soul’s purpose would be aligned to what I actually do during my day job. Will expound later.

And I’ll also tell you about my dream a few days ago, which triggered again this sort of remembering what “loneliness” mean. Sort of. I dunno. It’s something I can live with. Again, purpose – is that the utilitarian kind of thinking?

Also I didn’t want to sleep tonight hoping my mind would just tell me “something”. Anything. I dunno.

It is still raining at 2a.m. Maybe my son will have no class tomorrow.

Oh, I think what stops me from journaling/blogging is that a big part of me believes I should use my time enriching through inputs rather than output. It’s better to read, learn a skill, or practice whatever than staring in space right? It is good for the body to spend time for meditation but if it is aimless, I think it’s just a waste. Note the SHOULD and I THINK.

So yeah. Freeflow. Like this.

Still listening? I am having a headache already. Yeah. I guess there’ll be no classes later.

I’ll write. And journal and whatever everyday. Let’s see.


Pain and Love

On one of our lectures, Pain was defined:
“Pain is whatever the person says it is and whenever he says it does.”

When I substitute LOVE to the word pain:
“Love is whatever the person says it is and whenever he says it does.”

It makes sense too right?

Love and pain are very vague terms.
No one can give an exact definition of those terms because like finger and tongue prints, the sensations are unique to the person who experiences it.

Does this mean that LOVE=PAIN?

[Zedka Dream 12.8.2004]


Alter ego

Our theme during our last homecoming was “Alter Ego: Who are you if you are not a doctor?” It wasn’t so hard. I can be a teacher, a musician (thriving), an IT, accountant, call center agent – it didn’t really matter.  During the past few days that I have more quiet hours (I cut down on duties), I think my alter ego really is what happens late night after all my work is done.

It’s that “something” that questions, that searches the emptiness, that thinks about life in general. It’s something that welcomely feels that “burn” itside.  It remembers memories where she felt most alive and dreams endlessly to make more of it. It remembers passion. It remembers how it feels to play long hours of piano. It remembers love making. It remembers euphoria for understanding an illness and for the ability to win over it.

Is it a second self? It seems like it isn’t. Because whatever I do, even during my day job, it is always there – looking forward to the time when it can walk, naked, freely – in my world.

So, what is my alter ego?

Maybe it’s that careless person that would only like to do one thing. Loving. Complete surrender to love. That someone who will give up the things she has for a life in a fairytale. That was the closest thing to me seeing another version of me.

For now, I am a humble servant and more importantly a mother with a goal of  preparing a better future for her child. Yeah, that’s basically what I do today.

I Have Dreamed

I have dreamed that arms are lovely
I have dreamed what a joy, you’ll be
I have dreamed every word, you whisper

When you’re close, close to me
How you look in the glow of evening
I have dreamed and enjoyed the view

In these dreams, I’ve loved you so
That by now I think, I know
What it’s like to be loved by you
I will love being loved by you

Alone and awake, I’ve looked at the stars
The same that smile on you
And time and again, I’ve thought all the things
That you were thinking too

I have dreamed that arms are lovely
I have dreamed what a joy, you’ll be
I have dreamed every word, you whisper

When you’re close, close to me
How you look in the glow of evening
I have dreamed and enjoyed the view

In these dreams, I’ve loved you so
That by now I think, I know

What it’s like to be loved by you
I will love being loved by you

(From The King and I)

Wicked Manila

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of
Celebrated heads of state or
Specially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don’t make me laugh!
–  Popular, from Wicked

This you have to know. I love to sing, but just in front of the mirror, or with people close to me, karaoke style. I love listening to music, but selective to those with all the feels. This means classical, instrumentals or songs with melodies that tell stories and songs with lyrics that talk to you. I like live performances and my severe level of stage fright make me adore artists more than you can imagine.

So, residency over and a couple of extra time in my hands (…and laziness to work), I finally watched another musical. My last was still Cinderella, waaaaay long ago, but really just before I entered medical school.

Despite it’s fictional setting, the story  nudges the “young adult” in me.

Elphaba was the one who Defied Gravity.  She embraced her exceptionalities and chose the life that would make her free to be herself… even if that meant being ostracized.  She used her craft with good intentions  but it turns out a disaster and so she asks…

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that’s all good deeds are
Maybe that’s the reason why

– No Good Deed, from the Wicked

Since No Good Deed goes Unpunished, maybe  having good intention with bad outcome is no different with a bad intention with bad result?

Is she Wicked or not? Think about it, there is something wicked in all of us. We do think evil thoughts sometimes, a few curse thrown here and there, subtle revenges, omissions, comissions…. yadadada…  Her chants were went to help the Tin Man, The Lion and even… Fiyero  (Scarecrow), the love of her life.   Fiyero stood by her and they run away together but the others hated her and contributed (plus dumbfounded hearsays and speculations)  why the people of Oz tagged her as the Wicked Witch of the West.

One of that speculations was that the Witch will be melted by water (again a hearsay). She does not of course because, she was just green with “talent” (for witchcraft) but have the makings similar to others. It was this speculation that they used to help them get away… too much information?  The point is, I too speculate   (… and gossip) but this story showed the gravity of how it can destroy the person.  Imagine the difference it will make if only the people of Oz tried to understand the Green Witch?

Oh, but really. I want to talk about Galinda. Glinda, the Good Witch of the South. My heart breaks for her. She was the one who stayed. She is narcisstic. She longs for the love and the respect and adoration. She didn’t stop Madame Morrible to spread false stories about Elphaba, denied she is her friend and helped to stage her capture .  Doesn’t these count her to be Wicked as well?

On the other side, she loved Fiyero  (one way, obviously) who left her just after announcement of engagement  (who wouldn’t?). At that time, she was finally given a position, her dream – the label “Glinda, The Good”.  She knew then, she cannot have all. She was regarded by the people; she was being looked upon but her heart…. it got lost. She was Not That Girl.  (And we can deny it all we want but being The One is our heart’s true desire… right?)

For Good is a wonderful song of friendship…. it’s my favorite humhum song lately.


Lightness of Being


Sometimes, I just choose to be quiet because you will just get hurt.  You words “I am just here”,  “I am here to listen”, “Tell me all about it” doesn’t break my wall at all. You wouldn’t understand. I don’t even understand myself. I’m just lonely, that’s all.

Maybe,  that’s it,  I’m just a bit overly feeling right now. On most days, it won’t matter – what I feel – I mean.  I just have to be  functional, like normal people.

But today, I don’t want to be normal. I want to feel. I’m embracing my emptiness. I’m embracing my needs.  I want silence. I want solitude. I want the world to stop even for a while….