Pain and Love

On one of our lectures, Pain was defined:
“Pain is whatever the person says it is and whenever he says it does.”

When I substitute LOVE to the word pain:
“Love is whatever the person says it is and whenever he says it does.”

It makes sense too right?

Love and pain are very vague terms.
No one can give an exact definition of those terms because like finger and tongue prints, the sensations are unique to the person who experiences it.

Does this mean that LOVE=PAIN?

[Zedka Dream 12.8.2004]



3 months post partum

Rather, 3 months post residency… or is it 3 months post honeymoon?

To sum it up, I have a 1 year contract of 40 hours/week duty + 3-month renewable contract of at least 24hrs/week + occasional reliever pediatric OPD clinic duty. That, my friend, is the honeymoon phase. It’s when you have all the hopes and energy to push your body and your dopamine levels to the highest levels hoping to achieve orgasm and a conquered release… only… to slowly, tiredly, sweat and all, you collapse… still unable to reach that point of ecstasy.

Who am I to deceive? (Errr, sinong niloko mo?)

I’m still UNDECIDED whether to go with this general pediatric practice or immerse myself again into specialized training for another 2 more years. That means being chained again to pre-duty-from-papers-audits-mockery, in addition to saving the peoples lives  of course.

Please universe, answer my plea (I mean, my other plea aside from being with my partner-for-life, if ever he exists).

It’s awesome and just a bit scary. It’s something I can really do for the rest of my life. This is something I know I am comfortable thinking of during my quiet time. And that’s why I get scared sometimes. Will there be SOMEBODY that would ever come again to disturb my present normalcy?  Will there be somebody who will shake my world again?  Can there be somebody please that would complement this world that I have? I mean my work, my service, my child, my personality, my future?

It’s only in my wildest dreams that I imagine living with my BFF since preschool.  But we will be now.  I sometimes wonder if there is something else I could have done before we ended up this way but this thought is overcome with my belief that we are where we are meant to be right now.  And it’s the time I step in.

I welcome her to my “dorm” where all board reviewers pass (crossing my fingers). I welcome her to my “dorm” where relationships bloom, (unfortunately, end up in doom, I’m sorry).  I welcome here to my “dorm” of solace, of good sleep. I welcome her to freedom from watchful eyes.

Resting b*tch face


Social media is filled with smart *ss articles on being introvert and this article has simple graphs that are catchy.  My resting face, I guess, is rather filled with melancholia (not b*tchiness). I get to hear “Why are you sad”, “Are you o.k.”, “What’s wrong”.  I smile a lot that’s why so I guess when certain people start to notice otherwise, they ask.

I have no problem with the job of being with people. I like to educate. I like being able to serve and being able to make them feel we do more than heal physically. But what I actually do does not always equate to what I feel.  Sometimes I don’t know what I feel anymore. Most of the time, I try not care anymore of how I feel. Just continue doing. Live a life of purpose. I try to live by that mantra now. When all else fail, just do what you have to do. No questions asked. No whining. No complaining.  It works somehow because I know I am doing something good, maybe not always for myself but hopefully I am helping make the world a better place.  (Is this utilitarianism?)

Still, at the end of the day, it gets tiring.  I am an introvert and I am a snob. When clock ticks at 5, I remove the white coat and feel sucked by a black hole. Enough. I start to have the urge to get away. It’s that empty silence, nothingness as I call it, that blocks out the people around me. At least that’s how it feels but you cannot go home as you want to. YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR ENDORSEMENT which could be delayed by almost anything, from carry outs left to be done,  late afternoon consultant rounds, a patient suddenly going into arrest or even another fellow’s insensitive attitude. My heart begins to steam until it wants to explode yet it doesn’t – because you I am a snob,  and I don’t want to step down below the level of people who lose their cool when they’re angry.

I wish there is a person I can spend time with without having to put the mask of being accommodating and nice. Someone who’ll understand I am quiet just because I don’t care anymore what has been and what will be. Someone who will understand I am savoring that moment, how fleeting that is. The world outside is fast paced. My person is not. I need that time of darkness. I need that time of solitude and weird as it may sound, it is something I want to share again with someone because I know it is possible. If you are not this person, I’d rather enjoy my time alone please.


I don’t know how to make all of this jive. But right now, that resting b*tch face, is a face that’s waiting for someone to bring me home to rest.