Social media is filled with smart *ss articles on being introvert and this article has simple graphs that are catchy. My resting face, I guess, is rather filled with melancholia (not b*tchiness). I get to hear “Why are you sad”, “Are you o.k.”, “What’s wrong”. I smile a lot that’s why so I guess when certain people start to notice otherwise, they ask.
I have no problem with the job of being with people. I like to educate. I like being able to serve and being able to make them feel we do more than heal physically. But what I actually do does not always equate to what I feel. Sometimes I don’t know what I feel anymore. Most of the time, I try not care anymore of how I feel. Just continue doing. Live a life of purpose. I try to live by that mantra now. When all else fail, just do what you have to do. No questions asked. No whining. No complaining. It works somehow because I know I am doing something good, maybe not always for myself but hopefully I am helping make the world a better place. (Is this utilitarianism?)
Still, at the end of the day, it gets tiring. I am an introvert and I am a snob. When clock ticks at 5, I remove the white coat and feel sucked by a black hole. Enough. I start to have the urge to get away. It’s that empty silence, nothingness as I call it, that blocks out the people around me. At least that’s how it feels but you cannot go home as you want to. YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR ENDORSEMENT which could be delayed by almost anything, from carry outs left to be done, late afternoon consultant rounds, a patient suddenly going into arrest or even another fellow’s insensitive attitude. My heart begins to steam until it wants to explode yet it doesn’t – because you I am a snob, and I don’t want to step down below the level of people who lose their cool when they’re angry.
I wish there is a person I can spend time with without having to put the mask of being accommodating and nice. Someone who’ll understand I am quiet just because I don’t care anymore what has been and what will be. Someone who will understand I am savoring that moment, how fleeting that is. The world outside is fast paced. My person is not. I need that time of darkness. I need that time of solitude and weird as it may sound, it is something I want to share again with someone because I know it is possible. If you are not this person, I’d rather enjoy my time alone please.
I don’t know how to make all of this jive. But right now, that resting b*tch face, is a face that’s waiting for someone to bring me home to rest.