You know that time when you’re tired yet your mind wanders and doesn’t want to give in? I open my eyes in surrender and look at the clock. Eleven. It’s no surprise.


Pain and Love

On one of our lectures, Pain was defined:
“Pain is whatever the person says it is and whenever he says it does.”

When I substitute LOVE to the word pain:
“Love is whatever the person says it is and whenever he says it does.”

It makes sense too right?

Love and pain are very vague terms.
No one can give an exact definition of those terms because like finger and tongue prints, the sensations are unique to the person who experiences it.

Does this mean that LOVE=PAIN?

[Zedka Dream 12.8.2004]


Alter ego

Our theme during our last homecoming was “Alter Ego: Who are you if you are not a doctor?” It wasn’t so hard. I can be a teacher, a musician (thriving), an IT, accountant, call center agent – it didn’t really matter.  During the past few days that I have more quiet hours (I cut down on duties), I think my alter ego really is what happens late night after all my work is done.

It’s that “something” that questions, that searches the emptiness, that thinks about life in general. It’s something that welcomely feels that “burn” itside.  It remembers memories where she felt most alive and dreams endlessly to make more of it. It remembers passion. It remembers how it feels to play long hours of piano. It remembers love making. It remembers euphoria for understanding an illness and for the ability to win over it.

Is it a second self? It seems like it isn’t. Because whatever I do, even during my day job, it is always there – looking forward to the time when it can walk, naked, freely – in my world.

So, what is my alter ego?

Maybe it’s that careless person that would only like to do one thing. Loving. Complete surrender to love. That someone who will give up the things she has for a life in a fairytale. That was the closest thing to me seeing another version of me.

For now, I am a humble servant – but I am also a mother with a goal of  preparing a better future for her child. Yeah, that’s basically what I do today.

3 months post partum

Rather, 3 months post residency… or is it 3 months post honeymoon?

To sum it up, I have a 1 year contract of 40 hours/week duty + 3-month renewable contract of at least 24hrs/week + occasional reliever pediatric OPD clinic duty. That, my friend, is the honeymoon phase. It’s when you have all the hopes and energy to push your body and your dopamine levels to the highest levels hoping to achieve orgasm and a conquered release… only… to slowly, tiredly, sweat and all, you collapse… still unable to reach that point of ecstasy.

Who am I to deceive? (Errr, sinong niloko mo?)

I’m still UNDECIDED whether to go with this general pediatric practice or immerse myself again into specialized training for another 2 more years. That means being chained again to pre-duty-from-papers-audits-mockery, in addition to saving the peoples lives  of course.

Please universe, answer my plea (I mean, my other plea aside from being with my partner-for-life, if ever he exists).

It’s awesome and just a bit scary. It’s something I can really do for the rest of my life. This is something I know I am comfortable thinking of during my quiet time. And that’s why I get scared sometimes. Will there be SOMEBODY that would ever come again to disturb my present normalcy?  Will there be somebody who will shake my world again?  Can there be somebody please that would complement this world that I have? I mean my work, my service, my child, my personality, my future?

It’s only in my wildest dreams that I imagine living with my BFF since preschool.  But we will be now.  I sometimes wonder if there is something else I could have done before we ended up this way but this thought is overcome with my belief that we are where we are meant to be right now.  And it’s the time I step in.

I welcome her to my “dorm” where all board reviewers pass (crossing my fingers). I welcome her to my “dorm” where relationships bloom, (unfortunately, end up in doom, I’m sorry).  I welcome here to my “dorm” of solace, of good sleep. I welcome her to freedom from watchful eyes.

I Have Dreamed

I have dreamed that arms are lovely
I have dreamed what a joy, you’ll be
I have dreamed every word, you whisper

When you’re close, close to me
How you look in the glow of evening
I have dreamed and enjoyed the view

In these dreams, I’ve loved you so
That by now I think, I know
What it’s like to be loved by you
I will love being loved by you

Alone and awake, I’ve looked at the stars
The same that smile on you
And time and again, I’ve thought all the things
That you were thinking too

I have dreamed that arms are lovely
I have dreamed what a joy, you’ll be
I have dreamed every word, you whisper

When you’re close, close to me
How you look in the glow of evening
I have dreamed and enjoyed the view

In these dreams, I’ve loved you so
That by now I think, I know

What it’s like to be loved by you
I will love being loved by you

(From The King and I)

Wicked Manila

When I see depressing creatures
With unprepossessing features
I remind them on their own behalf
To think of
Celebrated heads of state or
Specially great communicators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don’t make me laugh!
–  Popular, from Wicked

This you have to know. I love to sing, but just in front of the mirror, or with people close to me, karaoke style. I love listening to music, but selective to those with all the feels. This means classical, instrumentals or songs with melodies that tell stories and songs with lyrics that talk to you. I like live performances and my severe level of stage fright make me adore artists more than you can imagine.

So, residency over and a couple of extra time in my hands (…and laziness to work), I finally watched another musical. My last was still Cinderella, waaaaay long ago, but really just before I entered medical school.

Despite it’s fictional setting, the story  nudges the “young adult” in me.

Elphaba was the one who Defied Gravity.  She embraced her exceptionalities and chose the life that would make her free to be herself… even if that meant being ostracized.  She used her craft with good intentions  but it turns out a disaster and so she asks…

One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that’s all good deeds are
Maybe that’s the reason why

– No Good Deed, from the Wicked

Since No Good Deed goes Unpunished, maybe  having good intention with bad outcome is no different with a bad intention with bad result?

Is she Wicked or not? Think about it, there is something wicked in all of us. We do think evil thoughts sometimes, a few curse thrown here and there, subtle revenges, omissions, comissions…. yadadada…  Her chants were went to help the Tin Man, The Lion and even… Fiyero  (Scarecrow), the love of her life.   Fiyero stood by her and they run away together but the others hated her and contributed (plus dumbfounded hearsays and speculations)  why the people of Oz tagged her as the Wicked Witch of the West.

One of that speculations was that the Witch will be melted by water (again a hearsay). She does not of course because, she was just green with “talent” (for witchcraft) but have the makings similar to others. It was this speculation that they used to help them get away… too much information?  The point is, I too speculate   (… and gossip) but this story showed the gravity of how it can destroy the person.  Imagine the difference it will make if only the people of Oz tried to understand the Green Witch?

Oh, but really. I want to talk about Galinda. Glinda, the Good Witch of the South. My heart breaks for her. She was the one who stayed. She is narcisstic. She longs for the love and the respect and adoration. She didn’t stop Madame Morrible to spread false stories about Elphaba, denied she is her friend and helped to stage her capture .  Doesn’t these count her to be Wicked as well?

On the other side, she loved Fiyero  (one way, obviously) who left her just after announcement of engagement  (who wouldn’t?). At that time, she was finally given a position, her dream – the label “Glinda, The Good”.  She knew then, she cannot have all. She was regarded by the people; she was being looked upon but her heart…. it got lost. She was Not That Girl.  (And we can deny it all we want but being The One is our heart’s true desire… right?)

For Good is a wonderful song of friendship…. it’s my favorite humhum song lately.



Another big year for me. That may even be an understatement. Residency is over and  now “freedom” will be however I choose to define it. I can go into a sub-specialty or I can commit myself into  becoming a full time general pediatrician.  I am still with high hopes I can go into sub-specialty but I am aiming for financial stability prior to that.

With more time in my hands, I have also been able to make time to plan and write in my journal. It feels wonderful. It was like I really needed that to somehow make sense of my everyday. Unlike in residency where my time is spent on travel and hospital duties and almost all spare time for sleep, I can now allot time for guilt-free me time.

I might clean up this blog again and make way for a fresh start.