Tonight

I  have to submit tomorrow our “ultimate” yearly requirement for promotion – the retrospective paper. I am however only half way doing my results and discussion part and only a small part of me is panicking… and it’s almost midnight … and I’m having my last duty at the puso center tomorrow… and I cannot be late (I planned to but then the consultant strictly comes at 7 and I don’t want  “the” attention). I am about to call this a career suicide except I won’t die from this. Not finishing this would only prolong my career life as a form of punishment – just like a poorly planned real life suicide of jumping from the 3rd floor, or  slashing your wrist only up to the dermal layer. If only quitting is that easy.

This, ladies and gentlemen is just a part of what’s going on in my head right now I just need to get it out. I’m doing my paper now.

This day.

I am both a failure and a success today.

I had to go to my home hospital for my audit except the institution that I am currently rotating at didn’t allow me to have a full day off (“You still have to come in the morning and make-up the hours that you will spend outside”).  So rather than being able to prepare, I reached the hospital almost just in time before my audit starts. Since I am ashamed of myself, suffice to say, it was very noticeable we weren’t prepared. Since I want to practice “accountability”,  I wasn’t prepared.  By that I mean, I should have been able to learn my cases and my group mates cases as well so that if questions came up, I can back-up in answering – because we are a team and I feel ashamed of not being able to function well as a team. But I am a bit angry too with my groupmate – that much that I do not want any encounter with her other than what’s necessary. And I have accepted we’ve already failed. We did and we did hear from our consultants.

Success part because there was already one-tear-drop that I was able to hold on until the end of audit. I find it amusingly funny (but I’m crying haha) that I was able to make it in time to find a private room to cry my heart out. It took a while before I was able to make the tears stop. I don’t blame anybody but I am frustrated with myself honestly. And I deserve hearing everything they said. But darn, I am so proud. I came back to the room whole and laughing again.

God knows I’m still fighting to be stronger everyday. To be more giving. To be more patient. To be more in control of my feelings. I would just like to do what I have to do properly – the people around me will come and go and I don’t have to invest anything in them. I just would like to remain as kind as I could to strangers, to the patients specially, and to my co-workers.  It may not always be well but no grudges. As long as could I would let go of anything bad “vibes”.  Reminding myself again… and again… and again.

So, that wasn’t what I want to write about. I would have wanted to write about my experience during my first week at the heart center. … but….

During the peak of my  “quiet breakdown”, I was reminded of the feeling of having that someone you can run too. I have my batchmates who are caring but I feel they don’t have to know these feelings. I can randomly message my other friends but I, just don’t… even before.

I think of that person who’s able to give me comfort merely by “presence”; that someone I look forward to in seeing after a hard day’s work.  It’s hard because that person says I am hard to understand when I have opened up so many feelings to him that no other person else would be able to feel from me. I am not that person to share my negative feelings if I could (it will just add to the chaos of the universe) and I am not really talkative per se but I cannot blame anyone who will get bored with me. That person was different because my soul craves. Time does not matter. The return always begets acceptance. What stops me however is that I cringed by the idea that there’s already a chain that cannot be broken.  I am not considered a permanent entity. I am to be picked up when the right time comes and then returned to my music box even before the night ends.  I wanted to be —  I am angry. I am to stop now. 

I want a hug but not from anybody else. But I am angry, I am angry at you.

Day 3

I am on day 3 of my outside rotation.  First two days were awesome and it genuinely felt like FREEDOM. With what’s happenin in the office + monotony of everything residency wise, it’s nice to get away even if it meant getting away only to work in another institution doing the same things with different people and bosses. 

However, you wake up with haunting messages like “No, the boss did not agree to move the research paper submission”, “Your audit will be next week”. And you are reminded – those in your homebase are given privilege for a day-off during their preduty in preparation for the inservice exam – while you, since you’re outside is not given that same chance. What’s worse? You sign in at 7 am and is allowed to go home after their endorsement which usually ends at 7pm.  I might be nearer to my area but the time I reach home is not at all earlier than before.  Nakakaiyak. I’ve been in bad mood since last night and maybe allowing myself to whine and have self pity just this time would do something.  

(Haha!) Nothing will change honey. You’re still miserable and lonely – it won’t change. – The voice in my head says.//

I kill time here in McDo with my 16oz Frozen Cola for breakfast. I could have read my notes but, I feel lazy. I’ll try to go early to work today.

Cheer me out Joy. Wake up.